


need a second to breathe

by sweet_symphony0



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mr. Robot - Freeform, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21567832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweet_symphony0/pseuds/sweet_symphony0
Summary: “Rami could feel Joe’s worry pouring off him in waves, feel his eyes drifting to every corner of the apartment that Rami went, not letting Rami out of his sight for a second. It irritated Rami only slightly, but he felt more guilty about it, knowing Joe wouldn’t let himself rest until Rami was better.“I’m fine,” he whispered flatly, no truth in his words, but he met Joe’s eyes. “I promise I’m fine. I just need the night.”After a day of filming Mr. Robot, Rami breaks down. It's Joe who puts him back together again.
Relationships: Rami Malek/Joe Mazzello
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57





	need a second to breathe

**Author's Note:**

> I've seen a few fics floating around where Rami has panic attacks and Joe helps him through them, and I had to do one of my own. This is what came about.

Rami was quiet on the way in to their apartment, and he didn’t return any of the concerned looks Joe was throwing his way. He knew that Joe worried, knew that it concerned him when Rami all but dissociated like this, but he couldn’t bring himself to care enough to get out of the mindset. 

Today had been hard. 

He’d filmed what was probably the most draining scene of Mr. Robot yet, one which left Elliot Alderson having a breakdown on screen, and after the third take, in a moment of rarity-Rami was a known perfectionist, someone who never stopped until they nailed the take-Rami had taken a look at Sam, and called cut himself. Shoving his hands in pockets in true Elliot fashion, he made his way to his trailer, Christian Slater two steps behind him. He proceeded to break down in the warmth of Christian’s embrace, his frame shaking with the effort to keep himself together. He was lucky to have Christan here, a close friend, and right then, a surrogate father figure which made Rami’s heart ache with longing for his own father. Christian had offered to call Joe, to tell Sam that filming was wrapped for the day, emphasizing that _Rami didn’t have to do this_ , but Rami refused. He was a professional after all, and he wasn’t going to put shooting behind schedule because he couldn’t get through a scene. 

Professional or not, it was still hard. 

Rami wouldn’t consider himself a method actor by any means, but that didn’t mean that Elliot wasn’t seeped under his skin at this point, encoded into his DNA. After playing him for so long, Elliot’s little ticks had become his own of some extension, though he wasn’t nearly as anxious or lonely. He loved playing Elliot, had a deep connection with the character, but that didn’t mean that some scenes he had to do weren’t incredibly draining. By the time they’d wrapped for the day, Rami was so far in his head that by the time Joe showed up, he was silent, earbuds in, sitting in his chair and only managed a brief smile of surprise when Joe crouched in front of him. 

“Sam called me,” Joe said by way of explanation, sweeping Rami’s hair with his fingers, cupping the back of Rami’s neck gently. “Said today was hard for you.” Rami said nothing, but he took the earbuds out and sighed slightly. Joe leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Let’s go home, sweetheart. You did really well. Leave Elliot here for the night, yeah?” And Rami nodded, taking Joe’s hand, waving to Sam in thanks on the way out from set. 

Which was where they were now, and Rami could feel Joe’s worry pouring off him in waves, feel his eyes drifting to every corner of the apartment that Rami went, not letting Rami out of his sight for a second. It irritated Rami only slightly, but he felt more guilty about it, knowing Joe wouldn’t let himself rest until Rami was better. 

“I’m fine,” he whispered flatly, no truth in his words, but he met Joe’s eyes. “I promise I’m fine. I just need the night.” 

Joe’s expression softened, and he cleared his throat as he nodded. He held his arms out, and Rami felt a sudden rush of overwhelming affection. Joe didn’t have to do this, he didn’t have to put up with this, but he did, and Rami loved him so much for it. Blinking back tears for the fourth time that day, he sank into his boyfriend, feeling warm and secure in Joe’s strong arms. 

“I’ve got you,” Joe whispered, tucking Rami’s face into his shoulder, feeling the tears sliding down from Rami’s face into his shirt. “I’ve got you. I’m here, sweetheart.” 

Rami sniffled, swiping quickly at his eyes, his gaze staring straight at the floor. “I’m gonna…” he blinked, feeling Joe grasp his hand tightly, and squeezed back thankfully. Joe was truly his rock, he kept Rami grounded when he needed it most, especially on nights like this. “Uh, I’m gonna use the restroom. Be right back.” 

“Alright,” Joe said, his brown irises clouded with worry, and Rami didn’t even bother trying to muster the energy to put a smile on his face for Joe’s sake. He knew Joe wouldn’t believe it, and he was too mentally exhausted to do anything other than sleep. 

Locking the door behind him, Rami took a moment, turning the faucet on to splash his face with water. He stood there, palms clutching the counter tightly as he leant over the sink, gasping as he chest ached. The tears mixed in with the water he splashed on, and he let out a sob. And another, and another, and then he full on sobbing until he couldn’t stop. He gasped, clutching at his chest, feeling the pain there, and his knees buckled. Sliding up against the wall, Rami hugged his knees to his chest, leaning his forearm on his knee as he scrubbed a hand at his face, trying to slow his crying and his breathing to no avail. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

He _really_ couldn’t breathe. 

Gasping, he took a shuddering breath in, shallow and weak, and knew he was panicking. It was something he had a feeling that might happen, but had hoped it wouldn’t. Panic attacks weren’t common with him, he’d had them more frequently on _The Pacific_ , with everything Snafu had been made to do. That had been ten years ago, and while the occasional attack came on now and then, the last episode he’d had was over a year ago during the _Bohemian Rhapsody_ shoot. Everything that had happened with Bryan Singer had pushed Rami to his absolute limit, and he had been lucky to have Joe on set with him. 

_Count_ , he instructed himself. _You have to count._

He ran himself through the old breathing exercises, holding in four, and out for eight, but he could still feel his heartbeat thudding and erratic. 

His hands were shaking. He gripped his hair tightly, hoping to stop his fingers from trembling, and he took in another shuddering breath. 

He was crying again, and Rami shoved his fist into his mouth, muffling his sobs to not alert Joe; he didn’t want to worry Joe anymore than he already had. He took another breath in, feeling his chest restrict with the effort, and then he was hyperventilating, gasping for air like his life depended on it. 

_You’re fine_ , he coached himself. _T_ _here’s nothing wrong, you’re okay. This is just your body reacting to the day._

“Rami?” Joe called, knocking on the door, and Rami froze, leaning his head back against the wall. “Babe, you’ve been in there a while, can I come in?”

Rami stared down at his hands, wiping his face half-heartedly. Debating it for a minute, he sat silently until Joe knocked again. 

“Babe, please?” 

Rami swallowed and nodded, leaning up to unlock the door. He didn’t bother getting up, instead leaning his arms on his knees as Joe peeked around the door. To his credit, Joe had his face schooled perfectly to the picture of calm, and if he was shocked at seeing Rami’s utter breakdown, he didn’t show it. Rami was shaking again as Joe pulled him tight against his chest, and Joe’s breath hitched at seeing just how vulnerable Rami was. 

“I’m here, babe,” Joe whispered again, swallowing as he listened to Rami’s sobs. “Let it out, it’s okay, I promise. You don’t have to be strong right now, not with me. I’ve got you.” 

“ _Joey_ ,” Rami whimpered, clutching Joe’s wrist. 

“Yeah sweetheart, I’m here, it’s all okay. You’re okay, I’m not leaving you.” 

“I can’t-Joe, I-” Rami gasped, staring at Joe with wide pupils as his panic returned with full force. His face was pale, sheer terror on his face, and Joe cupped Rami’s jaw in his palm, wiping Rami’s tears away. “Joey, I can’t-can’t _breathe-_ ” 

Hey, _hey_ ,” Joe said gently, shifting so that Rami was in his lap. He carded his fingers through Rami’s hair, scratching at his scalp. “Hey, no honey. None of that, it’s okay. You’re alright, I promise. I’m here, sweetheart, you’re okay. You need to breathe sweetheart, take a deep breath in-” He inhaled himself, waiting for Rami to copy him. 

“I tried that,” Rami whispered brokenly, burying his face in Joe’s chest, and Joe shushed him lovingly. 

“No baby, don’t hide your face, c’mon,” Joe urged. He leaned down, catching Rami’s eye. “You can’t do that, it’ll make it worse. I know you want to hide, sweetheart, I _know_. I know you’re scared, but I’m here.” He kissed Rami’s temple again. “Can you look at me, sweetheart?” 

Rami had his eyes closed, but he swallowed and nodded, lifting his face up, and Joe smiled at him, catching another tear that had slipped down Rami’s cheek. 

“There you are,” Joe whispered tenderly and Rami whimpered, so uncharacteristically like him that it broke Joe’s heart. Rami was so used to be strong, so used swallowing down his feelings, so used to putting up a front that anything out of the norm shook him out of orbit. “Shhh, love. Let’s take another breath, okay? Nice and slow, just take your time.” He grasped Rami’s hands that were fidgeting with his sleeves, nails digging into his wrists, and Joe frowned at the nail marks left indented in his skin. “I have you, I promise. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” 

He kissed the top of Rami’s hair, feeling as Rami breathed in, and Joe followed his lead, feeling unbearably proud. Rami’s anxiety was a hard thing to battle, and Joe was always so proud that Rami tried to anyway. 

“Good job,” Joe praised as he felt Rami melt against him, the panic slowly ebbing away the more Rami breathed. “I know this is hard baby, and I’m _so proud_ of you. You’re doing so well, just a few more minutes, alright? And then I’ll let you rest after we’ve cleaned you up.” 

Rami was still shaking, but he wasn’t crying as hard anymore, and his breaths were steadier now. His heart rate was still high, Joe knew, but that was to be expected. And the way Rami was grasping his chest meant he was still aching, his chest still tight, an effect of the panic, but Joe knew that would fade away eventually. “I’m cold Joey,” Rami whispered. And it was true, Rami was shivering, shivering so hard his teeth were chattering. 

“I know babe,” Joe murmured sympathetically, wrapping his arms tighter around Rami’s frame. Rami seemed so much smaller like this, seeing him so vulnerable made Joe’s heart ache, and he kissed Rami’s cheek again, rubbing Rami’s arms. “But I can’t give you any blankets baby, you know you have to let your body cool down. That’s the adrenaline fading away now. That’s your body’s way of calming down. I’m here with you, I’ve got you.” 

Rami let out a soft sob as leftover tears slid down his face, and Joe tightened his grip around his boyfriend. “Shhh, Rami. It’s alright, sweetheart.” He shifted, leaning in to kiss Rami’s forehead tenderly. “Look at me, please.” And Rami did. “Can I take care of you?” 

Rami cracked a smile. “You mean you weren’t already?”

Joe smiled, taking that a sign that Rami was okay for the time being, and then he stood up, joints protesting from being in a cramped position for so long. “C’mere,” he said softly, grasping Rami’s palms in his, hoisting Rami to his feet on shaking legs. “There we go, just lean against me...there we go. Good job, Rami.”

While Rami leaned against the counter, Joe ran a washcloth under the tap, wiping Rami’s face clean, letting Rami blow his nose. And once Rami sighed, looking more drained now than when he had first come home, Joe knew he was done. 

“Come here, sweetheart,” Joe whispered, tucking Rami under his chin in a hug. “Time for bed for you.” 

“Okay,” Rami mumbled. “Joe?”

“Hmm?”

”I’m sorry for this. I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” 

Joe frowned then. “Rami, you don’t have to apologize for being human. You’re stressed and upset, it happens.” He met Rami’s eyes from where they had been staring at the floor. “But you know you have to take care of yourself. I know you want to give the best performance, but you have to look after yourself, and I know you haven’t been.” Rami’s gaze drifted back to the floor, biting his lip, and Joe sighed. “We’ll work on it together, okay?”

“Okay,” Rami mumbled. “I love you so much. Thank you for everything.” 

Joe’s face softened. “You don’t have to thank me, babe. I love you too.” 

“Will you hold me? I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

Joe’s heart just about broke all over again, and he nodded, blinking back the sting of tears he felt behind his eyes suddenly. “Of course I will.” 

He led them to their bed, where they got situated, Rami securely tucked in Joe’s embrace so tight there wasn’t an inch of room between them. 

“You’re not alone, Rami,” Joe whispered then in the silence of the room, and Rami squeezed his eyes shut, burying his face against Joe’s chest. “I want you to know that. Whatever happens, I _promise_ you, you’re never alone.” In the dark, Rami’s hand found Joe’s, and he threaded their fingers together. 

Rami stole a glance up at Joe then, his expression full of gratitude and love. “I know. I have you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I have my own history with panic attacks, and some of this is based on personal experience. I'd love to know what everyone thinks, comments are SO welcomed, especially after the day I've had.


End file.
